Friday, January 22, 2010

2010 Embarassments

Hihi, actually I m very depressed before I start on this post, but as usual some1 manage 2 make me laugh again haha. I actually scolded some1, C because of some very funny misunderstanding so I m still laughing loudly as I m completing this post. This would be my most embarass moment in 2010 I think, I jus couldn't help it. I think life should jus let it all out. Another embarassment moment tat I encounter is tat I totally fall down again as my usual self. I unpack a lot of stuff jus now and saw a lot of precious memory tat I keep had been forgone and I cried but after facing a misunderstanding jus now, I feel so relieve. Life is short, I should just carry on with everything that I planned to do and continue to life the life of my dream. In conclusion, all of you guys also should let it all out haha. Do it before you regret.....

Saturday, January 9, 2010

I'm w8ting 4 ur hypnotizing spear

Annehaseyo Ansel Hwang Su Ha Shi sumida. 2day I have been through a hell of a week 4 me. Desperately fighting for survival. Condition getting worse from day to day & need of all the treatment I can get through my source. However, my fear has to w8 as I only get the appointment 4 mon 2 try on my last hope but worries never ended this easy. I have a very uneasy feeling on this mon's treatment. It is definitely a KO 4 me if I cannot survive this treatment or the survival of this full course treatment doesnot give any improve towards my health. Neway, I have been thinking about it the whole time negatively but suddenly my mind comes out with this quotation that I remembered from the drama series that I like which shows tat A as the main one like B very much. However, B is married to C and have 2 kids. A never give up spirit and whenever the song is played, A will be writting the very own blog too and thinking of wat is the feeling of C when A did sumthin to B while C was there. Ezit too confidence that B will never leave C or the thing loses the dignity and respect of the marriage of both B and C. It is complicated and at last A dare to compete with C to earn back B but not for long because A was dead due to some incident of saving B with B'life. I was thinking whether when I face this similar love triangle situation, will I be daring to fight for B even if it means to sacrifice my life?
My answer would be yes even if B were to be married to C, D, and F, I will still fight and compete it back for my love life. Just a problem, will my true 1 arrive it in time for me to gain a pure love or wil I just ended my life like this be4 my the other half arrive. I have this thoughts from time 2 time especially when my bad times of illnesses attack, will I be able to live a gracefull and surprising moment in this world or just so ended my life with boring and expected situation. Come to this issue as my previous post would said tat my wishes would be my soul mate to be hide from me be4 any success is achieved but now tat I know Life is short as many crime and health issues contaminated this world, I am now hoping for a different view point to occur even if it were 2 sacrifice family, friendship, career and wealth. Is this thinking even right 4 me as my health condition is so weak now tat I begin hallucination and imaging the next or last part of my life to change drasticly and dramatically? Wat is the correct answer tat I should be looking for or heading to? Isn't there any hints tat is given to me on how I should be proceeding with my life? Is the quotation the hint given to me considering how it attract my attention so deeply?
Another factor tat I wish to change is to consider on whether is this education goin to get me to anywhere or will I be able to even to complete this course of education gracefully and honorable? As many potential event has cause me to change my mind to whether continue to my study or stop it here mainly due to my GPA for this semester only get 3.35 and drop again as expected (So desperately SAD) only one A and B- but should I consider to remark my paper as the course work for the subject tat I get B- is the highest and it is quite weird but a lot of people fail this semester and either I should be grateful of this result, appreciate it since I should stop it here or fight till my last breath to finish this course and decide my future with limited ideas of proceeding by this course? Watever it should be must be but the isn't any sign or hint tat is able to lead me to come to any conclusion at all. Aish I think everythin will hav 2 w8 4 the monday result of the acupuncture first? Please let it be painless, and end it quite so tat I will not hav a dull but a brighter future without my illnesses and up there giv me some hint already on wat I should do and think? ASAP ya

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

"B. A. S. T. A. R. D." is in me

Hihi its me again, I think the word bastard suite me pretty well cause its definitely contain all my characteristics throughout my whole life. Firstly, give me 2 B for boring and bold haha. Well I certainly can say that I m quite a boring and loner type of human as compare to I think most of the human living on earth haha as I prefer to stay as I am and I couldn't adapt to the clubbing culture or movie culture as I used to be. Sorry for some who have to hang out with me without getting to enjoy that so much. I am not that strong of a person and happy go lucky as I used to be because of some circumstances. Therefore, a new year has arrive and I wanna make it clear that I don't choose to be in this way and I apologizes for being the new me that are still trying to recover to my old self. As for the bold part it seems to be untrue for most of you but I am bold in some way especially when I face any dare or challenges involves cash haha ( I earn a whole meal of Sakae Sushi from a friend haha). Secondly, A is for anger as it is actually connected to S for sensitive. Hehe due to my extremely sensitive characteristics it also had cost me a lot. Hereby, I also apologize to those that were insulted by me due to my anger and sensitiveness that are born from me. Eventhough, I knew that it wasn't totally my fault to be blame (hehe) but I forgive you and I also hope that you accept my apology for being so ( I think the previous KL and Malacca trip there is some incident ivolving me haha).
Next on the line, T is for teenage mentality as I guess that I am still a kid mentality that trap in an older human body haha. Despite my physical size, I am actually quite naive I would say haha, and throughout all these years my mentality has been trapped in those olden days thinking which I hope that by now I know what is reality and what is fanstasy, and what is right and wrong. However, the decision that I make so far seems to be useless and definitely not the right choice that I had made for both my career and my life. PLease GOD, or Bhudda I am sorry that I still cannot make any decision regarding which to give up because I really trust and believe in both and last wish I had now would be please heal me and let me be a better decision maker.
The second A is aggresive as I sometimes could be a little mean in words because it is also connected to my anger in another A haha. I might be harsh somtimes due to my mood swing but I also think I dare to speak the truth during when I am in anger as I will shoot you till you die haha. Like for example, for someone that I don't like so much I will attack them from their back first but later on when it get to my nerve I will not hesitate to shoot them in front. But one thing that I hope I might achieve it is R which represent responsible and readiness in everything. When I say that I wanna go some where or do anything I think I can act immediately and go straight to the destination but on the other hand for responsible I might not be as much as reliable as compared to others but I did always try my best to fulfill my task not so much in the some aspect but like when I promise to fetch or help u I will do it.
Finalyy, the last but not the least D stand for daydreaming(hehe my favourite) I am always dreaming tat I can become the next top male model tat win other hotties like E and K or winning survivor or america idol to help kept me netertain mah no choice lah life in kampar with only a few true fren really sucks and in penang for now I pray that there will be no more drama because I am sick and tired of all the drama d lol could it stop for a second and let me have peace and friendship for some short moment to help me get rest for my last year this few days. I am going to suffer already so please let me have some quiet moment in penang before I die Aish cross my finger first haha. Since I dunno for how long still will I be in this world my new concept of life as I mention earlier and for those who still wish to be friend with me thanks a lot but for those digusting attitude problem dude go get a life and stay further a way from me . Life is short and I beg you appreciate it while you can because more percentage of us is going to hell. Good luck in this new year. Chao

Say NO for an answer

I have been really nice throughout and I usually just let everyone decide where to or what to do for me except for myself. I have also been thinking whether or not I have plans for future. I think the first I want to change about myself is to decide for once and not let just anyone who is valueless to me to decide what to do for me. I been down and not happy due to my incurable illness but what more frustrating would be some of the friends that I thought could be a great friend but turn out to be not. I have seen more clearly from time to time that some friends like to be criticized and some like to be abused. It was funny however those that I treated them better would prefer others who basically critic and abuse them( very weird). In spite of all the dramas that I faced some friends really had thought me lesson about true friendship. There has been bad friends from KL, Kampar and Penang but not to forget the true friends that I gain which always supported me like D, C, J, K, Y, N, and G. Those friends were really there for me during my hardship and thought me that one must be humble, not showing off with your appearance( which I thought no one had achieved any yet in my group so let work it together), walk of fame only for those handsome and beauties, and say NO for an answer. People from Kampar, Penang and KL has been asking me why are you so nice that you are treating those bitches and bastards so nice and say yes to them all the time. This is a mistakes that I will not make in the future( I might not have any anyway ha ha ). Walk of fame is really not for me and anyone that I know probably because we are not that type and also don't have the appearance for all of us. I really have to be humble and make as much friends as possible to not only acquire help from them but also to help them back. Hopefully I may have a brighter future just like my brother who get a good job a bit through relationship which I envy and proud of to get such a high salary and allowances that pass through RM2,000.
The most important thing that I should do is to get back to the original me and get well soon. Next only would it be my future job and another half of my life. I know that people will not believe me and think that I am boasting or dreaming about something that I hav just said but mark my word that I will never be living my remaining days that I had to offer for myself like any of you bitches and bastards that only had fake fantasy and dramas in life. I will try my best to recover to my oldself and will ignore those jealousy losers in life that should only be my past. Next I will try to live a healthy and normal life not by just on diet but have some exercises as my daily routine(well not going to gym and A please don't go too because its not worth it sincerely if not prove me wrong) I will be more than anyone to be happy for you to get back to your size sincerely speaking. After that, I will start to plan for my future whether should I continue my life in either Penang, KL, Johor or Singapore if I am lucky I might get to Korea or Japan haha. I seriously don't put high hopes in overseas countries like England or Canada or even Australia where my further relatives are because the culture is too much of a different to me and even the height is an issue. That crossed out my daydreaming job as a model( I know I won't be one haha) as even in Asean countries 170 to 175 cm is consider short and that stop me thinking to be a model because my height is just normal. Lastly for the other half of me, I hope that you don't come so quickly as I think I wanna build up my career first because I really had bad relationship and I still think that I prefer to be with someone that could understand me well and accept all my weaknesses(which I think is hard to be found). But there were 3 friends that I miss the most that were Z, L, and M. I hope that the three of you will be able to see me for it has been a long time since we last meet. You guys were my best childhood friends ever even though the three of you live differently and I hope all three of you can meet each other because the three of you always lighten my mood when we thought back in the olden days.
Well I certainly do not know when my days will last but I do hope that I can finally be happier than I could have been and finally a word of advice is Don't do anything according to your wishes or what you think is right because it might turn out that most of the time you are wrong and like one of my friends would say " I believe in Karma" (I quotation). Please do only the goods from now on and if I could help you to turn the dark away and live the life of light, I will and glad to. Please for some of you no more dramas and cursing people and of course those who live in denial and think that you are better than anyone please change for your own good not mine(please just admit it ya especially you)ha ha . Before I end this post of mine, sincerely I wish all of you the best (yes including you) and have a better future inlife and not to forget congratulations to my brother for getting a high paid job that you are intereted in (the IT department) . Bye and hope that I still have much to offer to this blog in the future and to all my friends who and bad and nice to have a bright future also.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

First Half of 2009

It will soon reach the second half of 2009. That when I started to be afraid and freak out about what's that I have been through lately? What have I achieved? Does my life is satisfactory throughout the first half of 2009? Well no assumption and premonition is needed to predict this as nothing have I achieved and gained from the past 6 months. I have been through a lot of negative impact that have been one of the worst nightmare within the worst location and terrible friend that I have been surrounded. I have been blamed, back stabbed, tortured, disgusted, played, used, and most importantly I have been ignored. I won't say that I have not been feeling grateful and happy for even a second in these past 6 month but it has just been a short moment where there is fun and loving around me.

My illnesses haven't had any positive changes occurred but I am guessing that it will be okay soon as long as I maintain a great personality and mood but this is the one thing that I will never had in this isolated town. The stress and depression has been conquering the whole me. Sometimes I just need a fresh air and hold on for a moment but it has been negative all the time. Damages that it has cost me is huge and its getting out of my control. If it continues to be like this I will sure face a situation that I can no longer be ignore as it might become a terrible and the worst consequences that i feared all this while which is to end up in psychology ward or better known as Tanjung Rambutan.

Apart from all the feared that i was freak out with the illnesses that I am currently facing and eventually getting worse, my friendship qualities haven't been much of an improvement here in this ghostly and devilish town. The people here has been falling one by one not to mention that people is bitching around here and there causing so much tears for so many people. EQ has been getting lower and lower due to all the negative impact that I have been receiving. There is no hope in living here as compare to other town or local university. I have been on second thought about quiting and whether do I make the right choices to reject UiTM where I had an offer letter to some unknown cost or should I just work? I might rather choose to live in a jail or prison like campus and hostel compare to so called luxury campus life in UTAR.

Lastly, my studies also been affected upon two of the causes that I been struggling with. My result have been dropping and if it continues to be like that I might fall out one day. Even though that I know that I am not giving my 100%, but I really am trying my best I could not only to study the subject but to like it as well. It just couldn't work for me. I should knew that I am not a study material from the start but I just wish that I could also have the glory that some of the top student have and also the talent to present and search info for the assignment well. I am just as useless as dirt sometimes. I couldn't help out and the only thing that I do best is to rely on others to finish it.

What can I really do actually? Why does GOD like to torture me in this way? Why couldn't I live like others? Can somebody tell me what should I do now?