First Half of 2009

It will soon reach the second half of 2009. That when I started to be afraid and freak out about what's that I have been through lately? What have I achieved? Does my life is satisfactory throughout the first half of 2009? Well no assumption and premonition is needed to predict this as nothing have I achieved and gained from the past 6 months. I have been through a lot of negative impact that have been one of the worst nightmare within the worst location and terrible friend that I have been surrounded. I have been blamed, back stabbed, tortured, disgusted, played, used, and most importantly I have been ignored. I won't say that I have not been feeling grateful and happy for even a second in these past 6 month but it has just been a short moment where there is fun and loving around me.

My illnesses haven't had any positive changes occurred but I am guessing that it will be okay soon as long as I maintain a great personality and mood but this is the one thing that I will never had in this isolated town. The stress and depression has been conquering the whole me. Sometimes I just need a fresh air and hold on for a moment but it has been negative all the time. Damages that it has cost me is huge and its getting out of my control. If it continues to be like this I will sure face a situation that I can no longer be ignore as it might become a terrible and the worst consequences that i feared all this while which is to end up in psychology ward or better known as Tanjung Rambutan.

Apart from all the feared that i was freak out with the illnesses that I am currently facing and eventually getting worse, my friendship qualities haven't been much of an improvement here in this ghostly and devilish town. The people here has been falling one by one not to mention that people is bitching around here and there causing so much tears for so many people. EQ has been getting lower and lower due to all the negative impact that I have been receiving. There is no hope in living here as compare to other town or local university. I have been on second thought about quiting and whether do I make the right choices to reject UiTM where I had an offer letter to some unknown cost or should I just work? I might rather choose to live in a jail or prison like campus and hostel compare to so called luxury campus life in UTAR.

Lastly, my studies also been affected upon two of the causes that I been struggling with. My result have been dropping and if it continues to be like that I might fall out one day. Even though that I know that I am not giving my 100%, but I really am trying my best I could not only to study the subject but to like it as well. It just couldn't work for me. I should knew that I am not a study material from the start but I just wish that I could also have the glory that some of the top student have and also the talent to present and search info for the assignment well. I am just as useless as dirt sometimes. I couldn't help out and the only thing that I do best is to rely on others to finish it.

What can I really do actually? Why does GOD like to torture me in this way? Why couldn't I live like others? Can somebody tell me what should I do now?